I told her to leave. I was not ready. I had company. Now is not the time.
She didn’t say a word. She kept still. But I knew she’s still out there. I knew she has not left.
For some time, silence became our companion. A closed door separated us, and not a word was spoken. Yet, we can still feel each other. It was as real as the breath I breathe.
Sadness knocked again. This time, it was softer than before, but more persistent.
I knew I could not walk away from her. Her presence held me in emotional ransom. I then leaned against the door. And I heard sniffing. I think sadness is crying. She wanted to talk. She needed to share. I think it’s serious.
She broke the silence with a word. Nothing fancy, or deep. She just said, please.
My heart broke. I knew I could not carry on as before. I rested my head against the door and cried too. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I felt responsible for leaving sadness out there. Her pain was mine. Her hopes were mine too. What was I thinking? What have I done?
When I opened the door, she fell into my arms. Sadness was cold, limp. Oh god, I have left her out there for far too long. And all she could say to me was a faint thank you.
By then, as I held her in my arms, I saw her tears have all dried up. She has been crying her last breath out. I pleaded with her to wake up. I told her I was sorry. I told her I was just not ready. Didn’t I tell her I had company?!
At this time, misery came out of the living room. He was pissed. He shouted at me. I couldn’t hear a word he was saying. Strangely, that was the first time in my life I was not listening to him. His words were a blur to me.
Sadness then whispered. Her words were faint. But I heard every one of them. For the first time, our hearts were one. I heard her as clear as a voice within me talking to me.
That night, sadness said to me...love life. That was all she said. I knew she could say more. But even in that state, she didn’t think more needs to be said.
Love life. That was all. Sadness didn’t elaborate. She felt no explanation was needed. It was a message that spoke more to my heart than to my mind. I believe that was her intention.
Like a seed, it is hardly noticeable. But over time, it grows on you. It changes you. It transforms you at the most subtle crossroad - hardly noticeable too.
Right at that moment, I felt a sudden dawning. That feeling was familiar before. But, not in the same way it was familiar to me now, as I held on to sadness in my arms, finally allowing her into my heart.
And right at that moment, I knew what I needed to hold on to and what I needed to let go.
I then turned to misery and told him to go. I told him this time I mean it. He just has to go. Misery knew I was serious. He knew this time is for real. His complaints suddenly died down. And he left. Not a word.
I carried sadness to the living room, and rested her besides me. Finally, I could see her clearly. Her face was not one to be fearful of. Alas, I have been running away from an angel. She was as beautiful as the dawning light, and her voice was as clear as still waters.
Yes, love life...I closed my eyes and fell into a deep, restful sleep. It was a first time for a very long time.
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