A LETTER TO MY SON ON TOXIC PEOPLE
Son, living in a world full of people is living
in a world full of contradictions. You will have people loving you and people
hating you. You will have people liking you and people irking you. You will
have people who think the world of you and people who think the worst of you.
People will adore you and people will vilify you. You can't escape from such
contradictions, even from the same people. So, people will be people and to
live in a people-less world is most unthinkable.
A world of people is what we cannot live
without. But there are some people that we are better off doing without. This
category is rare but exist they do. They are there to make whatever you do
harder to do. And even if you do what they expect you to do, it is still done
in a way that they think they can do better than you.
You can consider
them as the torn in your side, the dust in your eye or the pain in your
derrière. However you wish them well, whatever you do for them with pure
intention, they will still take it with a fistfull of sodium chloride and
accuse you of vain pretension.
They indeed have eyes for you. But lest you
get carried away, these eyes are sight for sore eyes. Sometimes they are
jaundiced eyes or eyes of rage for reasons unrelated to your present but more
connected to your past. Somehow they can never forget. On this, their memory is
superb. You can think of them as having the memory capacity of the proverbial
elephant. But strangely, this is exclusively, even begrudgingly, reserved for
events that happened long time ago.
With you, they just can't see what you are now
or what you will be in the future. They only judge you for what you were then.
It is like time stood still for them when it comes to you. And they only see
you as you were in the past and everything you do now or promise to do in the
future is judged through the prism of your past mistakes. What they therefore
lack in imagination, they more than make it up for having a memory that cannot
let go.
For others, they don't even need a reason to
hate you. It just comes naturally like how a drop of water will slide down a
duck's back or a lump of bullshit will come out of a bull's end. It is like
they are born with this unusual genetic mutation and over the years, the
mutation grows into character distortion. It is therefore as natural to them as
the color of one's hair, skin or eyes. The difference here is that with color,
you can dye the hair, alter the pigment, or put on color lenses.
But with such genetic mutation, it is often a
cradle-to-grave kind of thing.
So please do not waste your time looking for
the cause or origin of such toxic people. Unlike looking for a needle in a
haystack, where at the very least the presence of a needle is assured, such
search for better understanding is like looking for WMD in Iraq. Alas not only
will you not find what you are looking for, you may be rudely shocked by a
grouchy old bearded man squirrelling out of a dark and smelly hole to torment
you even further.
My son, these are the people who will challenge
you to the core. Some will break you. Others will bruise you. Still others will
humiliate you. Ego wise, they will miniaturize you. Spirit wise, they will seek
to de-spiritualize you. But whatever it is, don't ever let them marginalize,
antagonize and pulverize you. You are worth much more than that. You are more
resilient than you think. You are built from the toughest material this world
has ever made.
Remember, don't confront them. Don't match them
word for word, malice for malice, hate for hate, and fist for fist. The greater
man does the humblest thing. He is defined not by the coarseness of his anger,
the swiftness of his fist or the wittiness of his insults. He is a man who
takes it all in and then transforms it all within before it goes all out. It
goes in with bitterness but it comes out in sweet fragrance. It enters in
hopelessness but goes out in cheerfulness. Such a man knows how to transform
hate into understanding, grudge into patience, and anger into empathy.
But still, you are only human and let no one or
books tell you
otherwise. Dealing with such people will always wear you down
and tire you out. You will get angry, disappointed and even disillusioned.
Sometimes, you may even harbor thoughts of vengeance against them. It bears
repeating that you are only human and you can't be blamed for being one.
In all this, you will have your time of
ambivalence, struggling with the logic of what I had said about turning the
other cheek and what the world will tell you about an eye for an eye. But trust
me, an eye for an eye only makes the world half blind. But turning the other
cheek hurts the slapper more than the cheek. The hand that seeks revenge will
only "succeed" by transferring the pain from his hand to his heart.
It will never go away. It just undergoes a change of address. In fact the
physical satisfaction of the slap will not heal the emotional pain of the hurt,
so to speak.
It is said that the only way you win over your
enemy is to make him a friend. And you ought to always bear that in mind. Your enemy
is a friend waiting to be discovered. So, don't react when you can refrain and
don't fight back when it is within your power to do what is right. The greater
power rests on the one who overlooks rather than overreacts and enduring peace
belongs to the one who forgives rather than hates.
You will discover all
these truths over time and even through trials and errors. But discover them
you will. And when you apply them to your life, you will find a lasting
transformation in yourself that changes the way you see the world and the
people in it.
In fact, you will come to a point of seeing
beyond the hurt that you suffer to the hurt that your enemy suffers. You will
see how his pain is deeper than yours. With this understanding, you will be
able to genuinely reach out to him. For the more you understand, the more you
are able to forgive.
But son, before I end, here is a note of
caution. There will be an exceptional few, maybe only one or maybe none, who
will remain your enemy for what seems like a lifetime. They are the people who
are generally unrepentant and savagely opportunistic. And no matter how you
extend your hand of friendship to them, they will rebuff it.
Or worse,
they will shake it with one hand and stab you in your back with the other.
These people will be a challenge to your faith in humanity. And there is little
you can do about it.
But remember, people are people and most of them
will surprise you in ways you will regret deeply if you react unthinkingly in
the heat of the moment. So, walk away while you can because once the deed is
done, you may never be able to walk away from it.
In the end, don't go
sleepless over them. Theirs is not your fight. Let time or circumstances be
their teacher.
Hopefully, they will change. If not, keep a wary
arm's length from them. If you are unable to avoid them, don't let their
conduct or words infect or embitter you. This will of course take practice and
I will always be there to be your target practice.
So my son, resolve in
your heart to be open to and hopeful of all things. People will always be
people and somehow the worst of them always makes the best of us, that is, if
we deal with them honorably, patiently and with understanding. For if the
prodigal son or the thief at Calvary can repent, then no one on this earth is
beyond redemption – even if it takes close to a lifetime to see that happen.
Cheerz.
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